John McCain spoofs himself on SNL with Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin again. Transcript and video below (Transcript for McCain's 'Weekend Update' segment):
SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain.
TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN - "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."
MCCAIN - "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."
FEY AS PALIN - "These campaigns sure are expensive. (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)
MCCAIN - "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."
FEY AS PALIN - "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."
MCCAIN - "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.
FEY AS PALIN - "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.
(SHE pulls cord)
JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden..."
MCCAIN - "It's great if you want to clear out a party."
FEY AS PALIN - "Or keep deer out of your yard."
MCCAIN - "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.
FEY AS PALIN - "Also too - sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"
MCCAIN - "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.
(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)
MCCAIN (CONT'D) - "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."
FEY AS PALIN - "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."
MCCAIN - "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"
FEY AS PALIN - "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha' these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."
MCCAIN - "What's going on over there, Sarah?"
FEY AS PALIN - "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)
MCCAIN - "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."
FEY AS PALIN - "And great deals on juicers."
MCCAIN - "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
McCain on Saturday Night Live: Video, Transcript (11-1-08)
Sunday, October 5, 2008
SNL's Tina Fey Spoofs Palin, VP Debate: Transcript, Video (10-4-08)
This is the third hysterical installment of Tina Fey's playing of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live(SNL). This time she is poking fun at the VP debate. See the video and read the complete transcript of the show.
TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "Can I call you, 'Joe?'"
JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. JOE BIDEN: "Of course."
FEY AS PALIN: "OK, 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."
LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Now tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond 'do you agree?' or 'your response?' so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book (holding up book) 'The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama,' coming out on inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie. Alright, let's begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?
SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank, John McCain -- and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for -- is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, 'God love him, but he's a raging maniac...' and a dear, dear friend."
LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Well first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden. And may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says. You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks. And gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin'
this great country of ours."
LATIFAH AS IFILL: "How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?"
FEY AS PALIN: "You know we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, 'what would a maverick do in this situation?' And then, you know, we'll do that." (SHE winks.)
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Monday, September 15, 2008
Tina Fey as Palin on SNL: Transcript, Video
This is hysterical. If you haven't seen it yet click here (also includes a transcript). (update: video from 2nd Tina Fey as Palin, Amy Poehler as Katie Couric shown skit 9-27-08 or see video at bottom of this page).
FEY/PALIN: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.
FEY/PALIN: Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama, as evidenced by this button.
FEY/PALIN: But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.
POEHLER/CLINTON: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.
FEY/PALIN: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…
POEHLER/CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
FEY/PALIN: And I can see Russia from my house.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I believe global warming is caused by man.
FEY/PALIN: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.
FEY/PALIN: I don’t know what that is.
POEHLER/CLINTON: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.
FEY/PALIN: So, please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And stop saying I have cankles.
FEY/PALIN: Don’t refer to me as a “MILF.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: And don’t refer to me as a “Flurge.” I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.
FEY/PALIN: So, we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like “pretty,” “attractive,” “beautiful.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: “Harpy,” “shrew,” and “boner shrinker.”
FEY/PALIN: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska. What’s the difference—
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: …between a hockey mom—
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: …and a pitbull?
POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.
FEY/PALIN: (PAUSE) Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?
POEHLER/CLINTON: (PAUSE) I cannot.
FEY/PALIN: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.
POEHLER/CLINTON: No! Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.
FEY/PALIN: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.
- 9-27-08
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