Saturday, October 18, 2008

SNL Spoofs the 3rd Presidential Debate: Transcript, Video (10-16-08)

Saturday Night Live (Thursday edition) spoofs the 3rd and final presidential debate.

Read the transcript below:

CHRIS PARNELL AS BOB SCHIEFFER: "Good evening, I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News and
welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election. I'll
be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive
discussion between the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator
John McCain of Arizona. Gentlemen, let's begin. Obviously, with another
700-point plunge in the DOW today, this economy is in trouble. Each of you have
plans to address the problem, but tell us, why yours is better than your
opponent's. We'll start with Senator McCain."

DARRELL HAMMOND AS SEN. JOHN McCAIN: "Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days
ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named
Joe, who is a plumber. We'll call him 'Joe the Plumber.' Now Joe wants to buy
the business where he's worked for many years. And he looked at Senator Obama's
tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes. Which would leave
him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream. So my question is,
why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber? What did Joe the Plumber ever
do to you, that you want to raise his taxes? Of all the people to go after in
this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?"

FRED ARMISEN AS SEN. BARACK OBAMA: "First of all, look, I don't recall meeting
the individual you're referring to. But let me say this, nearly all small
businesses earn less than $250,000 a year. And if Joe's business falls into
that category, he should know that under my plan, his taxes will not go up. Not
one cent."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, I don't think most people believe that. And I
know Joe the Plumber doesn't. Because he's told me so. And frankly, I trust
Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan. Because Joe the Plumber is a
straight shooter, and one of the finest people I've ever known. And I'll tell
you something else: He's got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy.
And, as President, I'll be relying on his advice and expertise."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Let's turn to a related topic. Over the last several
years, we've seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts
saying this year's could reach nearly a trillion dollars. What will either of
you do to bring government spending under control? Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be
examined to see if they're necessary, or if they're working, or if they could do
the job more efficiently. But we've got to cut these programs carefully, with a
scalpel, not a hatchet."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of
fighting wasteful government spending, and it's me. As President, I would go
after the bloated budgets with a giant hatchet, and then use a scalpel. Or I
might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "A plunger? I don't understand."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Obviously, Senator. It's not an ordinary plunger.
It's a magical plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "So, your friend 'Joe the Plumber' has a 'magical
plunger?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "That's correct."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance an 'imaginary
friend?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my
bed, with our friend Simon."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "So, Joe the Plumber would be very tiny then."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe stands about 3 and a half inches tall. Except when
he's upset. Then he can become as big as a house! He's my best friend."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: (AFTER AN AWKWARD SILENCE) "Alright, let's turn to a new
topic..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Of course. Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone
of this campaign has become increasingly nasty. Senator Obama, in describing
your opponent, your campaign has used words like 'erratic,' 'out of touch,'
'lying,' 'losing his bearings,' 'senile,' 'dementia,' 'nursing home,'
'decrepit,' and 'at death's door.' Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms
such as 'disrespectful,' 'dangerous,' 'foreign,' 'sleeper agent,' and
'uncircumcised.' Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look Bob, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are
going to be said. And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then
crossed the line. But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said
about me at my opponent's rallies. Things like 'traitor,' 'kill him,' and 'off
with his head.' And unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these
comments."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, as to the 'off with his head' comment, that was
shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair. The gentleman had too much
mead and he was removed by security. "

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "At that same event, I was also denounced as a
'sorcerer.'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "At any rally of nearly 75 people, you're going to get a
couple of crackers. We all know that. But just a few moments ago, my opponent
slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, as "imaginary."
Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: (LOOKING INTO CAMERA) "Joe, when attempting to confirm
your existence..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, why don't you say it to his face? He's right
here." (POINTS TO TOP OF DESK)

(ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA plays along, and)

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA (LOOKING DOWN AT IMAGINARY PERSON STANDING ON DESK): "Joe,
if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology...Wait
a second, what's that? No, don't worry, my tiny friend, I won't let him raise
your taxes."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Alright. We have time for one more question. Let's talk
about the people each of you would bring into government. Specifically, your
running mates. Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "For nearly 35 years, Joe Biden has established a
reputation for honesty, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this
nation. I can't think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should
anything happen to me."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Senator McCain."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, I've known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years. And
I think he's a good man. But let me say something here. He has never been
particularly nice to Joe the Plumber. I think Joe the Plumber resents that. In
fact, I know he does. But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn't
be more proud of her. Now, on the question of people I'd bring into government,
let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a
cabinet-level Department of Plumbing. And you know how I'm going to tap for
that post?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Joe the Plumber?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bingo. Joe the Plumber. You're damn straight."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "What about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in
the cigar box under your box?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because
Simon is a unicorn. And I think you know that."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "And that concludes tonight's third and final Presidential
debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New
York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

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