McCain on Saturday Night Live: Video, Transcript (11-1-08)

John McCain spoofs himself on SNL with Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin again. Transcript and video below (Transcript for McCain's 'Weekend Update' segment):

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain.

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN - "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN - "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN - "These campaigns sure are expensive. (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN - "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN - "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN - "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

FEY AS PALIN - "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden..."

MCCAIN - "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN - "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN - "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.

FEY AS PALIN - "Also too - sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN - "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.

(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

MCCAIN (CONT'D) - "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

FEY AS PALIN - "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN - "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN - "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha' these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN - "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN - "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN - "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN - "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN - "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!

Will Ferrell, Tina Fey on SNL: Video, Transcript (10-23-08)

Will Ferrell returns to Saturday Night Live (Weekend Update) playing George W. Bush. In this skit he endorses John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Sarah Palin (Tina Fey). Read the transcript below.

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH - "Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized and display much characterization. And yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I'm out of here in a few months, so screw it. But before I leave I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time heavily publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don't pinch yourself John, you are awake!"

FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT'D) -- "Now I tried to do this several months ago but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn't want my endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale 'much love' to McCain and Palin..."

(WILL FORTE, as an AIDE enters and whispers in BUSH's ear)

FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT'D) - "What? Really? Why didn't you tell me Jeff? I've just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one's on me. Four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone. So... You know what, let's bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin."

(TINA FEY as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN enters smiling and waving and sits next to BUSH on the front the desk)

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN - "So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I've seen you on TV."

FERRELL AS BUSH - "Where's McRage?"

FEY AS PALIN - "You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin' around this great country of ours talkin' about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin' a little shoppin', but unfortunately Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin' on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband and two of his drinkin' buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

FERRELL AS BUSH - "Well, We'll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man save for one huge exception."

FEY AS PALIN - "We are gonna get 'er done."

FERRELL AS BUSH - "My God you are folksy."

FEY AS PALIN - "Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I'm one part practiced folksy , one part sassy and a little dash of high school bitchy."

FERRELL AS BUSH - "For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin..."

FEY AS PALIN - "Actually, Mr. President, I don't want to go all Katie Couric on you, but I think it's actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President."

FERRELL AS BUSH - "Really? That's not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day."

(DARRELL HAMMOND as SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is brought in, struggling with JASON SUDEIKIS as TODD PALIN in a snowsuit.)

SUDEIKIS AS TODD PALIN - "We out-mavericked the maverick!"

HAMMOND AS MCCAIN - "Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure."

FERRELL AS BUSH - "Good to see you, John. Hey let's get a photo of this; it'll really help your campaign out. Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart..."

(MCCAIN tries to drift out of frame but is pulled back by BUSH) FERRELL AS BUSH (cont'd) - "John was there for me ninety percent of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote - picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W.
Bush. (to MCCAIN) You're welcome. So, I want to be there you, John for the next eight years."

FEY AS PALIN -The next sixteen years!

FERRELL AS BUSH - (to an off-camera photographer) "Let's get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. But most of all I support them because...Live from New York...It's Saturday Night!!!!

Palin Appears on SNL: Transcript, Video (10-18-08)

Sarah Palin appeared on Saturday Night Live last night. Read the complete transcript. See videos below.


Palin Raps

Partial transcript below:

JASON SUDEIKIS - "Good evening, I'm Tim Lydecker Sarah Palin's spokesman and we're very excited to be holding the Governor's first official press conference. Now tonight, nothing is off-limits while at the same time, I urge you guys to 'be cool.' Seriously guys just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices and don't write anything down."

(Gathered "reporters" react)

SUDEIKIS - "Worth a shot. Can't blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin."

(TINA FEY enters as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN)

FEY AS GOV. PALIN - "First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin' forward to a portion of your questions, so let's get started. Yes, you?"

FRED ARMISEN (as reporter):
"What were your thoughts on Senator McCain's debate performance Wednesday?"

FEY AS GOV. PALIN --
You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry too. And you can tell he's angry by the way he sighs and
grits his teeth and he's always goin' like (MAKES FACE AND GROWLING NOISE). And that Barack Obama? Well if he's angry, I certainly can't tell. His voice is smooth and when he's talkin' it's like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. You guy?

WILL FORTE (as reporter) - "At a rally in North Carolina this week you said that you like to visit the quote pro-America parts of the country. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?

FEY AS GOV. PALIN - Y'know , that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But um, yes - New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California (SHE GIVES A THUMBS DOWN). But then also too you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida which could be real real anti-American or real real pro-American. It's up to them. (SHE winks) And now I'd like to entertain
everybody with some fancy pageant walkin.'

(CUT TO: "SNL" Executive Producer LORNE MICHAELS and the real GOVERNOR SARAH
PALIN standing next to a monitor watching the scene)

MICHAELS - "I really wish that that had been you."

GOV. PALIN - "Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn't think it was a realistic
depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone."

MICHAELS - "Yes, but it's obviously it's a heightened reality."

GOV. PALIN - "Why couldn't we do the '30 Rock' sketch I wrote?"

MICHAELS - "Honestly, not enough people know that show."

(MARK WAHLBERG ENTERS)

WAHLBERG - "Hey, Lorne?"

MICHAELS - "Mark!"

WAHLBERG -I'm looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?"

MICHAELS - "Mark, that was all in good fun."

WAHLBERG -- "Are you gonna make me bust your head open too? Because I will.
Where is he?"

MICHAELS - "Third dressing room on the left."

MW - Thank you

(WAHLBERG storms off)

MICHAELS -- He didn't like the impression we did of him on the show.

GOV. PALIN - "Tell me about it."

SNL Spoofs the 3rd Presidential Debate: Transcript, Video (10-16-08)

Saturday Night Live (Thursday edition) spoofs the 3rd and final presidential debate.

Read the transcript below:

CHRIS PARNELL AS BOB SCHIEFFER: "Good evening, I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News and
welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election. I'll
be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive
discussion between the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator
John McCain of Arizona. Gentlemen, let's begin. Obviously, with another
700-point plunge in the DOW today, this economy is in trouble. Each of you have
plans to address the problem, but tell us, why yours is better than your
opponent's. We'll start with Senator McCain."

DARRELL HAMMOND AS SEN. JOHN McCAIN: "Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days
ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named
Joe, who is a plumber. We'll call him 'Joe the Plumber.' Now Joe wants to buy
the business where he's worked for many years. And he looked at Senator Obama's
tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes. Which would leave
him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream. So my question is,
why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber? What did Joe the Plumber ever
do to you, that you want to raise his taxes? Of all the people to go after in
this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?"

FRED ARMISEN AS SEN. BARACK OBAMA: "First of all, look, I don't recall meeting
the individual you're referring to. But let me say this, nearly all small
businesses earn less than $250,000 a year. And if Joe's business falls into
that category, he should know that under my plan, his taxes will not go up. Not
one cent."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, I don't think most people believe that. And I
know Joe the Plumber doesn't. Because he's told me so. And frankly, I trust
Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan. Because Joe the Plumber is a
straight shooter, and one of the finest people I've ever known. And I'll tell
you something else: He's got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy.
And, as President, I'll be relying on his advice and expertise."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Let's turn to a related topic. Over the last several
years, we've seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts
saying this year's could reach nearly a trillion dollars. What will either of
you do to bring government spending under control? Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be
examined to see if they're necessary, or if they're working, or if they could do
the job more efficiently. But we've got to cut these programs carefully, with a
scalpel, not a hatchet."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of
fighting wasteful government spending, and it's me. As President, I would go
after the bloated budgets with a giant hatchet, and then use a scalpel. Or I
might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "A plunger? I don't understand."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Obviously, Senator. It's not an ordinary plunger.
It's a magical plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "So, your friend 'Joe the Plumber' has a 'magical
plunger?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "That's correct."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance an 'imaginary
friend?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my
bed, with our friend Simon."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "So, Joe the Plumber would be very tiny then."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe stands about 3 and a half inches tall. Except when
he's upset. Then he can become as big as a house! He's my best friend."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: (AFTER AN AWKWARD SILENCE) "Alright, let's turn to a new
topic..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Of course. Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone
of this campaign has become increasingly nasty. Senator Obama, in describing
your opponent, your campaign has used words like 'erratic,' 'out of touch,'
'lying,' 'losing his bearings,' 'senile,' 'dementia,' 'nursing home,'
'decrepit,' and 'at death's door.' Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms
such as 'disrespectful,' 'dangerous,' 'foreign,' 'sleeper agent,' and
'uncircumcised.' Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look Bob, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are
going to be said. And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then
crossed the line. But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said
about me at my opponent's rallies. Things like 'traitor,' 'kill him,' and 'off
with his head.' And unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these
comments."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, as to the 'off with his head' comment, that was
shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair. The gentleman had too much
mead and he was removed by security. "

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "At that same event, I was also denounced as a
'sorcerer.'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "At any rally of nearly 75 people, you're going to get a
couple of crackers. We all know that. But just a few moments ago, my opponent
slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, as "imaginary."
Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: (LOOKING INTO CAMERA) "Joe, when attempting to confirm
your existence..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, why don't you say it to his face? He's right
here." (POINTS TO TOP OF DESK)

(ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA plays along, and)

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA (LOOKING DOWN AT IMAGINARY PERSON STANDING ON DESK): "Joe,
if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology...Wait
a second, what's that? No, don't worry, my tiny friend, I won't let him raise
your taxes."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Alright. We have time for one more question. Let's talk
about the people each of you would bring into government. Specifically, your
running mates. Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "For nearly 35 years, Joe Biden has established a
reputation for honesty, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this
nation. I can't think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should
anything happen to me."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Senator McCain."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, I've known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years. And
I think he's a good man. But let me say something here. He has never been
particularly nice to Joe the Plumber. I think Joe the Plumber resents that. In
fact, I know he does. But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn't
be more proud of her. Now, on the question of people I'd bring into government,
let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a
cabinet-level Department of Plumbing. And you know how I'm going to tap for
that post?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Joe the Plumber?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bingo. Joe the Plumber. You're damn straight."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "What about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in
the cigar box under your box?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because
Simon is a unicorn. And I think you know that."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "And that concludes tonight's third and final Presidential
debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New
York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

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SNL Spoofs 2nd Presidential Debate: Transcript, Video (10-9-08)

This is the latest in the series spoofing the presidential campaign by Saturday Night Live. This a Thursday special segment of 'Weekend Update.' This time they go after John McCain, Barack Obama, and Tom Brokaw, during the second president debate held Tuesday.

Read the complete transcript

CHRIS PARNELL AS TOM BROKAW: "Good evening, and welcome
to Belmont University, in Nashville, Tennessee, for the second in a series of three Presidential debates, between Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, and, Senator John McCain of Arizona. I'm Tom Brokaw, of NBC News, and I will be your moderator this evening. Tonight's debate will follow a town hall format, with questions submitted by the eighty undecided voters in our audience, as well as thousands more sent in via email. From this enormous list of penetrating, insightful, and provocative questions, I have chosen the eight least interesting. For each question, the candidates will be allowed a twenty-five second response, and, at my discretion, a three second follow-up. These are the rules both campaigns agreed upon. Our first question, is for Senator Obama, and it comes from Elizabeth Wheeler."

CASEY WILSON: "Senator Obama. Over the last few weeks, the financial crisis which began with home foreclosures has threatened to wreck the entire economy. As President, how would you deal with this?"

FRED ARMISEN AS SEN. BARACK OBAMA: "First of all, Elizabeth, thank you for that question. There is no doubt, that after eight years of failed Republican policies, policies which Senator McCain supported, this economy is a shambles. But let me tell you, and the American people, one thing I absolutely promise..."

PARNELL AS BROKAW: "Time's up. Senator McCain?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. MCCAIN: "Elizabeth, to find any solution to this economic mess, we're going to have to put aside partisanship. Something my opponent -- this character here -- isn't very good at. But I've done my whole career. You know, my friends I'm not the most popular guy in my own party. Just ask Senator Trent Lott. I took his car one time without asking, and totaled it. Just drove it into a wall, and walked away. So I'm not going to win any popularity contests among Republicans. But, Maria, when it comes to the economy, here's what I'd do. It's very simple..."

PARNELL AS BROKAW: Your time is up.

SNL's Tina Fey Spoofs Palin, VP Debate: Transcript, Video (10-4-08)

This is the third hysterical installment of Tina Fey's playing of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live(SNL). This time she is poking fun at the VP debate. See the video and read the complete transcript of the show.

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: "Can I call you, 'Joe?'"

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. JOE BIDEN: "Of course."

FEY AS PALIN: "OK, 'cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Now tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond 'do you agree?' or 'your response?' so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book (holding up book) 'The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama,' coming out on inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie. Alright, let's begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I've done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let's be frank, John McCain -- and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for -- is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, 'God love him, but he's a raging maniac...' and a dear, dear friend."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?"

FEY AS PALIN: "Well first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden. And may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says. You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks. And gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin'
this great country of ours."

LATIFAH AS IFILL: "How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?"

FEY AS PALIN: "You know we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, 'what would a maverick do in this situation?' And then, you know, we'll do that." (SHE winks.)

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Tina Fey as Palin on SNL: Transcript, Video

This is hysterical. If you haven't seen it yet click here (also includes a transcript). (update: video from 2nd Tina Fey as Palin, Amy Poehler as Katie Couric shown skit 9-27-08 or see video at bottom of this page).

FEY/PALIN: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.

POEHLER/CLINTON: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.

FEY/PALIN: Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.

POEHLER/CLINTON: And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama, as evidenced by this button.

FEY/PALIN: But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.

POEHLER/CLINTON: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.

FEY/PALIN: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…

POEHLER/CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

FEY/PALIN: And I can see Russia from my house.

POEHLER/CLINTON: I believe global warming is caused by man.

FEY/PALIN: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.

POEHLER/CLINTON: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.

FEY/PALIN: I don’t know what that is.

POEHLER/CLINTON: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.

FEY/PALIN: So, please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.

POEHLER/CLINTON: And stop saying I have cankles.

FEY/PALIN: Don’t refer to me as a “MILF.”

POEHLER/CLINTON: And don’t refer to me as a “Flurge.” I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.

FEY/PALIN: So, we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like “pretty,” “attractive,” “beautiful.”

POEHLER/CLINTON: “Harpy,” “shrew,” and “boner shrinker.”

FEY/PALIN: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska. What’s the difference—

POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.

FEY/PALIN: …between a hockey mom—

POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.

FEY/PALIN: …and a pitbull?

POEHLER/CLINTON: Lipstick.

FEY/PALIN: (PAUSE) Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?

POEHLER/CLINTON: (PAUSE) I cannot.

FEY/PALIN: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.

POEHLER/CLINTON: No! Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.

FEY/PALIN: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.

- 9-27-08


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